Bill Simmons promised to be morally outraged if the Dallas Mavericks won the NBA Draft Lottery.
The Ringer founder lived up to his word. And if Simmons was morally outraged, Joe House was ready to storm the league office with a pitchfork.
House lit a match in a nearly three-minute rant, torched the NBA’s so-called integrity, and delivered a full-blown conspiracy sermon. Then again, is it even a conspiracy if it keeps happening every time a team trades a star to the Los Angeles Lakers? See: almost Chris Paul, definitely Anthony Davis, and now, somehow, Luka Dončić.
Maybe it’s time for Pablo Torre to find out what’s really in those lottery balls.
In any event, the miracles just keep stacking up.
“It doesn’t f*cking matter,” House said after asking Simmons if he could curse on his The Bill Simmons Podcast. “It doesn’t f*cking matter. The fat thumb comes out when the fat thumb comes out. Now, I certainly understand ‘There’s a code,’ and it’s ‘Impossible to rig the balls,’ except for the last 30 f*cking years have had a stunning number of miracles.”
And House had receipts.
“I mean, let’s go back to 2011 when the NBA owned the motherf*cking New Orleans Hornets, and somehow, miraculously, they find an owner,” House said. “David Stern vetoes a trade for Chris Paul to go to the Lakers because it’s ‘Going to tilt the competitive balance of the league.’ David Stern vetoed it for basketball reasons. They finally find a buyer for the New Orleans Hornets. Someone steps in and buys it from the NBA. Lo and behold, the New Orleans Hornets get the No. 1 overall draft pick in the league, and it’s Anthony Davis. Can you believe it? Can you believe the good luck?”
The collective sports media world had a hard time believing the Mavericks, who had just a 1.8% chance of winning, landed the No. 1 pick without a nudge from the basketball gods or someone upstream. Especially when the embattled front office, led by Nico Harrison, had just traded away Dončić for gestures vaguely at reasons.
“I’m not going to sit here and do the whole thing, but 2013-2014 back-to-back Cleveland No. 1 overall picks, and LeBron comes back in 2014,” House continues. “And that No. 1 pick turns into Kevin Love? Man, that’s interesting. That’s some interesting history right there.”
Simmons reminded him he skipped 2011 — the year after The Decision — when Cleveland won the lottery and took Kyrie Irving.
“I mean, I didn’t forget,” House replied. “I’m just saying, I don’t want to subject us to the entire litany. But I did have [disgraced former official] Tim Donaghy downstairs, helping me remember some of these things. We were kind of mapping out some of the interesting — it’s really a league of miracles, this NBA of ours. But, you know, yes, New Orleans trades Anthony Davis to the Lakers, and miraculously, it’s another miracle — a league full of miracles — New Orleans jumps from the 7th spot, in terms of the pre-draft where they should’ve been, to the No. 1.”
Enter Zion Williamson.
“So, the best way to get the pick is to trade your best guy to the Lakers, and then the miracles will align,” Simmons quipped.
“First of all, you’re the son of a b*tch that said this was all going to happen back in March,” House told Simmons.
Bill Simmons should’ve put money on it. Maybe even a lottery ticket of his own.