Earlier this week, Craig Carton wrote off the Miami Dolphins while taking aim at the team’s head coach, Mike McDaniel.
“The Dolphins aren’t a very good football team. Period, stop,” Carton said on FS1’s Breakfast Ball. “You don’t have a competent quarterback. Your head coach is the most overrated coach maybe in the history of football. It is very frustrating. Consider Mr. Mike McDaniels right now, who is supposed to be this offensive guru and the wonder kid. He’s 1-6 without Tua. In those seven games, they’ve only thrown for six touchdown passes. And as you can see there, a lot of turnovers, not a lot of points.
“So two things on this. No. 1, the Dolphins’ season’s over. We can all agree to that. So let’s just move on from that. No. 2 — and I’m asking for America right now: when do we all agree that it’s time to get off the Mike McDaniel choo-choo train of he’s the future of the NFL? He has never coached the team to a playoff win. As you saw there, he stinks without Tua, who might be an average quarterback, anyway. And he doesn’t do anything all that creative to win games.”
“Craig Carton isn’t a very good broadcaster, period, stop,” Le Batard said, parodying Carton’s rant. “You don’t have competent leadership in this business. You have a broadcaster who is maybe the most overrated broadcaster in the history of broadcasting. It’s very frustrating. Consider this: Mr. Craig Cartons — who’s supposed to be an offensive guru and wonder kid — he [spent] three and a half three years in prison without a microphone. In those three and a half years, he only defrauded $4.8 million from investors. And as you can see, there: lots of blackjack, lots of securities fraud, wire fraud.
“Two things on this. No. 1, Fox Sports’ reputation is over. We can all agree on that, so let’s move on from that. No. 2 — and I’m asking for America right now: when do we all agree that it’s time to get off the Craig Carton choo-choo train? That he’s not the future of broadcasting. He’s never broadcasted credibly. As you saw there, he stinks without the shock jockey stuff, which, in my opinion, is average anyway. And he doesn’t do anything creative.”
From there, Le Batard performed jumping jacks and repeated the rant to truly match Carton’s “breathless” delivery. Because of course.
Considering his past comments regarding Carton, it’s hardly surprising that the former Miami Herald columnist would return fire on the Dolphins’ behalf. Regardless of where you stand on any of the parties involved or your thoughts on the Dolphins and/or McDaniel, Le Batard’s parody rant was nothing short of impressive, especially considering he seemingly came up with it on the fly.
About Ben Axelrod
Ben Axelrod is a veteran of the sports media landscape, having most recently worked for NBC's Cleveland affiliate, WKYC. Prior to his time in Cleveland, he covered Ohio State football and the Big Ten for outlets including Cox Media Group, Bleacher Report, Scout and Rivals.