Just about every single person watching the San Antonio Spurs put the beatdown on the Portland Trail Blazers in Game 1 of their first-round series on Sunday came away with two reactions: holy sh*t, Victor Wembanyama is good, and holy sh*t, the color-coordination in the arena is the coolest thing ever.
Every single person, that is, except Bill Simmons.
The Ringer founder assumed the role of the Grinch who stole San Antonio’s Fiesta celebration during his Sunday night podcast with Zach Lowe, staking out a position so unpopular that we’re wondering whether Netflix will need to issue a statement about broadcasting such heresy live on its platform.
“The color-coordinated sections … I have some thoughts,” Simmons began.
“I loved it, you’re going to be a Grinch on this?” Lowe asked.
“Yes. Yes, I am,” Simmons responded. “You’ve won five titles as a franchise. It’s not the time for gimmicks. Act like you’ve been there before.”
“Every franchise does this, though,” a flummoxed Lowe replied. “They usually just do one color. Is it the multi-color that’s sticking in your craw?”
“It felt like I was at a parade. Every section was a different color. …They’ve won five titles! They had Tim Duncan! They had one of the ten best players of all-time, who was there at the game probably wondering why everybody was in a different section wearing a different t-shirt,” Simmons reiterated before continuing, “I don’t put the t-shirt on. I hate the t-shirts. I don’t understand the t-shirts. I don’t like when the Celtics do them. I just like old-school basketball. I don’t want to be dressed like everyone else in my section. We’ve lost our minds!”
Sheesh, Bill! Tell us how you really feel. One can only hope Ringer employees choose to color-coordinate their holiday party this year without telling Simmons. It’s what he wants.
About Drew Lerner
Drew Lerner is a staff writer for Awful Announcing and an aspiring cable subscriber. He previously covered sports media for Sports Media Watch. Future beat writer for the Oasis reunion tour.